Our heart wrenching trip to HELL!

Yesterday had to be the most heart wrenching day I think I have ever had. It was a hard, hard, hard HARD day for the Parr-Lawyer Family.

HG received a call in the early afternoon to come to the hospital on standby for a liver. There was a man ahead of him but if something didn't work...he would get the liver. As you can imagine we were all cautiously optimistic but prepared for it not to happen. That my friends is the way the "Who Wants A Liver" game works.

HG got to the hospital and patiently waited when we finally got word that the liver was his. He was going to get his transplant and we were about to have our miracle! As you can imagine we immediately got on our knees for about the 6th time that day to thank our Heavenly Father for this beautiful gift. I received a call from HG right before the Dr. came to get him to prep for surgery. Just to say our I love you's since one can never be too safe in this type of situation. Then, the Dr. took HG to the elevator to go prepare for surgery when they received a call and the Dr. took HG back to his room. He was told they were on "hold".

After an hour or more of being "on hold" they came in to tell us that the Dr. had made a terrible mistake. That the person ahead of him actually hadn't even been tested yet and that they were still going to try to give the liver to the other recipient. Yes....you read that right (gasping here is appropriate). I understand that mistakes happen but this...just not ok. I am pretty sure that I speak for everyone when I tell you that our world shattered into a thousand little pieces. There was still a chance he would get the liver but again we needed to wait. UGH!! Have I told you how much I hate waiting?

I can't tell you what it was like for anyone else....only me. I can't even pretend to imagine what HG has been through and what went through his mind. Pretty sure he was like us all....we felt like we had literally gone on a heart wrenching trip to HELL.  You see....this liver thing isn't as easy as it might seem. We are very aware that someone has to die in order for my brother to live.  Not only that...there are many...I am talking thousands that will never get their miracle....the liver will NEVER come...and their families will be left missing them and picking up the pieces of their shattered world.  With that being said, my prayer from the moment we received the call was that the family who just lost someone would feel the comfort and peace that can only come from our Heavenly Father, it was for the person who didn't receive a liver yesterday and for their family...that no matter who it was we would be able to accept in our hearts and our mind that it was the Lords will. I prayed that another liver would become available soon for the one who didn't receive a liver and that HG would have the strength and courage to carry on no matter what. I prayed that everyone in my family would have understanding and be filled with love no matter what the outcome. I also prayed that I personally would be able to accept whatever happened with grace and with the knowledge that I have a Father in Heaven who knows me and HG and who loves us and will never leave us alone.

I can tell you that our Father in Heaven heard and answered that prayer. All that I asked for has been granted except for another liver becoming available and I am hopeful there is still time for that to happen. I do believe in miracles. Now, I am not going to lie, there were moments of pure ANGER. I was so fearful that my anger at the Dr. for the mistake he made would consume me that I immediately dropped to my knees and prayed for him. That if he felt bad he would be comforted and that this would never happen to anyone EVER AGAIN. I even cried myself to sleep after we received the final decision and HG was sent home but I can tell you that it wasn't just tears for my brother but it was tears for the family who have their loved one around for another day.

You see early in the evening the Lord blessed us with understanding and peace to our hearts and soul as we learned a little about the other recipient. The reason HG was on standby was because the other recipient was so ill that they didn't know if he would live through the transplant. Those on the very top of the transplant list are usually expected to last only a week or so without a new liver. Oh the joy his family must have experienced at the chance they now have at life. I continue to pray that their body accepts the liver and they have a long happy life.

I am so AMAZED by HG and his strength. Last night he cried when heard of the other persons situation and while he was frustrated with the Dr..... he was happy for the other person. Even today when I asked him how he was doing he said that he was tired but happy that everything worked out for the other guy. There was no way he could wish him death so that he could walk away with a new liver.

The hardest part about this journey is the emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes the ups and downs feel like they are going to kill me. Literally. Yesterday I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest and I threw up when they sent HG home. It rips my heart out to watch my parents as they stand by...powerless and full of love for their son. The son they would move heaven and earth to save. No parent should have to watch that and those that have my heart aches for you. This isn't an easy journey. I prefer it was over and HG was happy and healthy but that isn't the case. I have learned that so much of life is out of our control and all we have power over is ourselves and our choices. I can chose to get discouraged and angry or I can chose to believe in something bigger and better and you know what? I CHOOSE to believe! I choose believe in our Almighty GOD, our loving Heavenly Father. I choose to believe that there is still good in the world. I choose to believe that miracles really do happen. I choose to believe that god is aware of HG and my families every need and he will never leave us alone. I choose to believe that HG will get a new liver and live and I choose to believe that losing just isn't an option.